Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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