Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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