i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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