pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Your mouth is God's brothel.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
