Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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