You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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