words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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