I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
