Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
