oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
