I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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