You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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