She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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