in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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