Where did you get a picture of my penis
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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