So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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