why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
