So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
