id be glad to
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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