I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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