I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
