I smell stomach acid.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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