I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
