Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
