So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
