I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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