dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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