I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
