So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
being pregnant is like rehab
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
