Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
