don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
