I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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