I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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