apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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