Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
