i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
