I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
