I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
