Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
