OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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