God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
