I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
