We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
