My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
it's like heaven, but drunker
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
