You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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