Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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