Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
