i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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