Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
