if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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