u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
