Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
