Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
