a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
