she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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