just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
